Candid Expression

Monday, 31 January 2011
Disclaimer: I suffered a painful migraine today and was feeling sorry for myself. I'm okay but sometimes a gal needs to vent.

It is impossible to explain this aching loneliness. It isn’t even the loneliness that freezes my bones in the middle of a 50 degree day. It’s the sudden realization that I have no idea whether I’ll be with Kingsley in a few weeks or not. If I could just know that even in 2 years we could be together, I could sleep. I could breathe normally. But no, now I have rare stretches of hours of happiness before the stark, cruel recognition hits me. We’re still not together, we still don’t know if we will be.

The only sure thing is that I cannot brush his cheek with my hand. He cannot raise his fork to my mouth to share a taste of his dinner.  We see each other on a computer screen and try like hell not to allow a moment of weakness even in front of each other. Why? The potential breakdown would be too ugly. Weeping is fierce and not cathartic in our situation. It leaves me depressed, deflated and unable to get out of bed. He feels helpless which leads to hopelessness.

I would never wish this hell onto anyone. God, I sometimes regret getting on that plane the first time I left London. I was afraid. I was afraid of trying to pursue a career outside of what I knew best.  But even as I type the “regret” it isn’t exactly the right word. When I left his embrace to go through security, I had physical pain throughout my body as I moved farther away from Kingsley. I knew I wanted to get back into TV news and pursue an easier life in the US but at what cost? My former bosses in Oregon offered me an amazing position, exactly what I was looking for professionally. I had no idea that our plans to marry and be together would be tripped and Kingsley and I would be apart so long. God help my tired, devastated soul. God help me. I don’t want to fake being brave anymore. Every time I smile in public, talking about our time apart, my soul cracks a little more.  I want to wake up beside the man I love. Why shouldn’t I be able to?

In this moment I think of another theoretical set of lovers who cannot be together legally. Forgive me for broaching a controversial subject (if you read my blog, you aren’t surprised by me doing so). Why shouldn’t a person who loves another person have the right to marry the one they love? Because a government agent says so? If I fall ill, Kingsley won't be able to enter the United States to be in the hospital with me (our initial visa denial automatically carries that stipulation). 

I feel I would be a hypocrite if I take a stand because I cannot legally be with Kingsley and forget other couples in a similar fight. Kings and I know what lonely is. We know what false hope is but we keep the light burning and peek over the horizon for some news tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day.

Update: Nothing new on the Visa front. We are still watiting. Homeland security is processing applications received in June 2010. Ours was sent in August 26, 2010.


~C~ said...

Yuck, Denae. I had wondered how you handled this situation with such optimism and a positive attitude. I would feel the exact same way. I can't imagine being away from my love for a week, let alone months at a time. Hang in there, it will all be worth it eventually.

Laura said...

Oh Denae... my heart aches for you. You're a strong woman. I think of you and Kingsley often. Your friend is right--it is worth it. Some day, these tough moments will seem like small blips in your life together.

Natasha said...

I have a good feeling about this year for you and Kings! I Love you very much and pray that the distance will just make you stronger in the long run as a person and as a couple..Love you