Thursday, 5 January 2012
Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars at night without you
My soul cries.
---- Sade (Romeo and Juliet)

Please forgive this moment of weakness. I am blogging for my own benefit, so again, my apologies for being so candid. I dislike observing others' emotional pain because I feel helpless and prefer that people keep their open wounds private but - here we are.

This week, for some strange reason (the holiday season is so fun, huh?) I've thought a lot about the failure of my last long-term relationship and the things I took for granted. There are so many things. Why do I mention it? Only to say:  if you have love that works, don't count on it growing or sustaining without cultivation. Please, don't assume it will always be there or that you can find what you have elsewhere.

For me, love didn't die for lack of cultivation, it died for lack of living on the same continent for three years. You've heard about it before. (If you haven't, please refer to former posts.)

In order to come to terms with my melancholy, I've listed aspects I took for granted during the time when Kings and I were together:

1. Having someone to come home to every night.
2. A person to share meals with, whether we spoke or not.
3. Coffee at my bedside every, single morning.
4. Someone to whom I could tell everything.
5. A person who dearly loved my family.
6. A warm body (sounds ridiculous but the practicality of having someone to sleep beside is lovely).
7. The wonder of travel with someone who has traveled.
8. Unconditional love.
9. Celebrating small victories with someone who cares.
10. Folding laundry together while watching silly TV.

It has been six months since we parted and there are still difficult times, pronounced by the necessity of forward movement.

Why this distressing blog post? I've decided to be real when possible this year. I apologize ahead of time if my sharing is too much or seems to deliberately garner pity. That's not what I'm looking for.  I just feel in my pursuit of happiness in 2012, I need to start being honest about who I am, what I struggle with and of course offer a few laughs (promise that'll come later). I feel happy when I write.

How was your week?


Casey said...

Love you.


Cincychili said...

My week going alright. Looking at going back to my Masters.

I wish you the best of luck with your new year, Denae. Hopefully you find what you are looking for this year.

AK said...

I love when you blog like this. I feel like I get to know you better, who the real DD is. Thank you for sharing, and don't ever think it's necessary to apologize for being honest on your own blog. You are amazing, and nothing is wasted. All that is supposed to happen will happen in due time.

Chris F. said...

My week has been very emotional and inspiring. I've visited Austin and San Antonio for a football coaches convention, visited some friends who were before FB friends, but now wonderful to put a person with the face :) I've also underwent spiritual counseling for many unresolved issues relating to career/job failures, lack of trust, and pent up frustration that has developed over the years.